Category: Funny

Christmas is Overrated: Holiday Thoughts from a Scrooged Grinch

Sunday, December 12, 2010 / Vince Golangco

This was a post by a very good friend of mine a few years back. Just thought it was hella funny and really well written. So I wanted to share it with you guys in case you want to check it out.

***Warning, do not read if you have heart problems, are pregnant or are overly sensitive… =P

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Hate is a strong word…but I can really give an E. Coli’s ass about Christmas

Christmas is a religious holiday. I have no desire to celebrate anything remotely related to support it. Growing up, I was never taught to believe in any fairytale or imaginative figures. Thus the thought of an overweight old man dressed in red flannel, shouts derogatory terms across the sky about women and distributes toys to undeserving little brats does not arouse me in any shape or form.

Nevertheless, being the accommodating person that I am, I concede and cooperate with the traditions instead of telling my true feelings to people’s faces. That’s the essence of being civil. If someone has the nerve to tell me that Chinese New Year is a meaningless holiday that promotes nothing but commercialism and compulsive spending, I will slap that bitch so hard there will be no tomorrow.

The funny thing is, I just spent the evening watching two things I can’t stand the most: fireworks and Christmas decorations.

The only description I got from my friend Ricky about this event was “there will be these sail boats with cool lights at Shelter Island.” I thought it would be a relaxing way to wrap up my Sunday, which I spent compulsively rearranging living room furniture.

“Yes!! We arrived just in time for the fireworks” was the first thing that came out of his mouth when we pulled up.

Fireworks? I hate fireworks. It is the ultimate ancient Chinese invention that is used for useless ephemeral human enjoyment at the expense of our dying planet. The only time one is ever justified to use fireworks is when you’re surrounded by hungry mountain lions while wearing underwear made out of beef jerky, and you cannot possibly attract any help by screaming “fire!”

The best part about the night was that the “lights on the sail boats” were actually “illuminated Christmas decorations”. Jingles were blasted so loudly they still resonate in my ears…after 7 hours.

Every boat pretty much looked the same. Why couldn’t people just be a little more creative. If I had a boat there I would have decorated it with the devil riding with Santa, or a giant hiny.

Ricky did not notice how painful it was for me to watch. I squirmed so much on my riverbank rock I was pretty sure I drilled a hole into it.

Ahh…I’m such a good friend…

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Best Cartoon Pics for Facebook: Carton Characters Invade Profile Pictures Online

Monday, December 6, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Does your friend Dan look a lot like that Road Runner Cartoon? Maybe your aunt Shelby is starting to look a tad bit like Richie Rich? Is your buddy Paul looking like the Smurfs? Are over 50% of your friends starting to look like cartoon characters?

If you’re wondering about the whole “cartoon pictures for facebook profile” thing that’s going on right now, then fear not. You have not teleported into an inter-dimentional portal where cartoon characters rule the world. Instead, the cartoon character pictures are merely a symbol of people’s advocacy against violence towards kids.

The whole cartoon character profile picture thing started when this little note started making its rounds on Facebook:

“Change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until monday (Dec.6) there should be no human faces on FB, but an invasion of memories. THIS IS A CAMPAIGN TO STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST CHILDRENing its rounds on Facebook”

Cool as this cause may seem, it was later discovered that there is no official event, organization or committee that is managing this. Instead, reports even say that it may have initially started as a joke or even a dare just to get someone to change their profile picture to that of a cartoon character.

Either way, there isn’t really much harm done, other than a cartoonish looking portrait on your profile.

It was too hard for me to pick just one cartoon, so here’s my top 5 picks for Best Cartoon Pics for Facebook.

*Not on here, but would be if I wasn’t so sleepy at freakin’ 2:06am…. would be the Ghostbusters, He-Man and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

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5. Daria – Ultimate 90s Cartoon!

If I had to sum up the 90s into three words… it would be: “Like totally dude.”

On the other hand, if I had to sum up the 90s into one word, it would be “DARIA”

Daria Morgendorffer is a smart & cynical girl who goes through teenage life as an proud outsider in a world of mainly idiotic teens and condescending adults. This MTV series had a great run with many episodes often referencing current events in pop culture.

The people of Lawndale just don’t get Daria Morgendorffer. She’s cool with that. See, Daria was born alienated, and now she’s just trying to make it through high school with as little human contact as possible. Popularity, friends, activities… whatever. Daria lacks enthusiasm, but she makes up for it with sarcasm. Daria is the spin-off of MTV’s most sucessful cartoon, Beavis and Butt-Head.

Like…. totally dude.

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4. Spiderman and His Amazing Friends and those other old school Marvel Cartoons

I don’t know about you…. but I first had a geekgasm after discovering Spiderman had amazing friends. Of course, this awesomeness of a show was aptly named: “Spiderman and his Amazing Friends” as creativity was not discovered until the mid 90s.

Other than Spiderman, Iceman and Firestar, there were also the other 60s Marvel cartoons like the Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Thor, The Hulk, The Submariner and more! They all showed right after class and I remember rushing home to see them! Ahhhh, the memories… CLANG BAM POW!

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3. Thunder Cats and their Hoes

Thunder…. Thunder…. THUNDER CATS…. HOOOOOOOO!!!

Let’s face it… this cartoon just had waaay too many adult related imageries that still haunts our minds. From Lion-O’s sword getting a boner every time he sees the other characters in their dominatrix outfits to Cheetara’s very revealing outfit; this was definitely one of my favorites! Oh and my sword got long and hard too whenever I saw Cheetara….

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2. G.I. Joe

Knowing is half the battle and watching the G.I. Joes usually took up half the time I was supposed to spend studying. This racist cartoon, where all Asians knew karate and all black dudes rhymed when they spoke, was one amazing misrepresentation of wars and the military. But hella fun to watch! YO JOE!

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1. ORIGINAL Transformers Cartoon Profile Pic

Let’s face it, those robots that turned into cars were the coolest thins ever! And no, I’m not talking about the GoBots…. I’m talking about the Autobots and Decepticons! Also, though Megan Fox really gave us our money’s worth, nothing beats the original Transformers! ROLL OUT!

Anyway, sorry but let me change my title from: Best Cartoon Pics for Facebook: Carton Characters Invade Profile Pictures Online to just:

BEST CARTOONS EVER!

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Filipinas Kay Ganda

Sunday, November 28, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Lol, I swear I tried to be positive, or at least neutral about the new branding campaign from the Department of Tourism to, supposedly, re-brand the Philippines. But it just keeps getting funnier.

All the other details aside, after they announced the new website, BeautifulPilipinas.com, everyone found out that it was one letter away from the porn site BeautifulFilipinas.com. To the untrained eye, this may seem like a very stupid, blundering mistake. But what you may not know, is that this is all part of a bigger plan that they have up their skirts sleeves. I’ll explain this later on.

As new layers of this onion gets peeled, I’m seeing people compare the new logo of the “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” brand with that of Polland’s… where the resemblances are hard to ignore.

But don’t jump to conclusions yet! Maybe it was actually Polland that stole our idea with some sort of time machine that they used to come to this point in time, then travel back years ago and then change their logo to what you see above and making Polska a “kay ganda” campaign that the Filipinos actually came up with! Damn Polskas! What does Polska even mean anyway!?!

OR maybe the font, the exact copy of the letter P and A, the waves underneath, the tree and the entire feel of this seemingly replicated image is no more than a coincidence.

Also, stop thinking of it as plagiarism! After all, the Supreme Court of the Philippines proclaimed that there is no such thing as Plagiarism! So think of it more like… inspiration.

Anyway, to help out the DoT, I figured we all need to give our own suggestions as to how we can fix this little bump on the road.

First of all, keep the BeautifulPilipinas.com website and try to win over some of the viewers of that other, less classier site, with the similar name. Then, go all out with branding our country as one with “kay ganda” women. I mean why not? The porno industry is a multi-billion dollar industry! Bring over a small fraction of that and we’ll see less hungry mouths on the streets and more hungry mouths in the…. well…. dining tables.

We re-brand with the porno emphasis, bring in D.O.M. money, and get more people with more jobs serving the sudden influx of tourists; tourists who need their knobs polished, their salads tossed and their oil changed…. among other things. With that we’ll see a steep decrease in the unemployment ratio and a steady rise in local earnings. The economy rises from the ashes, more people have consistent incomes which leads to higher levels of education which leads to better leadership in our government. The new leadership brings about positive change which includes a cleansing of our environment. Our streets get cleaned up, followed by our rivers, bays and pink overpasses. With more people joining the working class, more educated people and an environment of cleanliness, the crime rates come down to a shocking low and for the first time ever, we can walk around Greenhills without having to check whether or not our wallets or cellphones have been stolen every 5 minutes.

Then we live happily ever after.

You’re welcome.

Filipinas Kay Ganda

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Top New 2010 Halloween Costume Ideas

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 / Vince Golangco

What’s hot in 2010? What new trend-setters and newsworthy event have shaped our current year?

Well here’s a short list of the top new 2010 Halloween costume ideas for your spooky (or slutty) Halloween feast.

These are the top new 2010 Halloween Costumes:

12. Avatar Halloween Costume 2010

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11. Justin Bieber Halloween Costume 2010

All you need is a wig and you’ll be sure to look just like this little girl.

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10. Kanye West Halloween Costume 2010

“Imma let you finish, but I just wanted to say that Vince G has the best costume of all time!”

I swear it’s still funny!

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9. Dirty Priest Halloween Costume 2010

Holy shit!

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8. Lady Gaga Meat Halloween Costume 2010

Nothin’ but a piece of meat…

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7. Glee / Gleek Halloween Costume 2010

Ok so I haven’t seen any stuff online about people dressing as this, but it should be relatively easy to do and will definitely be more fun if you do it in a group. Check out the Glee Gleek pics:

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6. Antoine Dodson “They Rapin’ Everyone” “Hide yo’ Husbands” Halloween Costume 2010

The rapin’ errrrrbody up in here!

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5. BP Oil Spill Halloween Costume 2010

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4. Octomom Halloween Costume 2010

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3. Lindsey Lohan (anything slutty w/ an Ankle Bracelet) Halloween Costume 2010

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2. Jersey Shore Snooki Halloween Costume 2010

Jersey Shore it up like Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and the rest of the gang.

Or, you can also dress up like South Park’s rendition of Snooki, as seen below

(if you haven’t seen the South Park Jersey Shore episode, you definitely NEED to check it out! HILARIOUS!)

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1. Despicable Me Halloween Costume 2010

“It’s so FLUFFY!!!!”

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Halloween 2009: UP with Vince

Monday, October 18, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Celebrating Halloween in the U.S. of A. is one of the best experiences that I love coming back to! It’s a billion dollar industry here that’s taken with the utmost sincerity!

See some of my past Halloween costumes here – Halloween Costumes Blast from the Past

This year (2009), I had three choices of what I would dress up as…. the first two costume ideas were…

Single Ladies – LOL LOL LOL !!! This would have been a total hit! This would be from the Beyonce music video to her hit “Single Ladies” which was later on parodied on Saturday Night Live by Justin Timberlake and others. Now the problem with this was that one, none of my other guy friends had the balls to do this with me, and two, we realized that it might not be the best costume for when nature calls. My friend brought up a good point that having to pull off the leatard, pull down the stockings, deal with whatever underwear I’d be wearing, find my way in the dark porta-potty and add to that balance on my heels…. would be an almost impossible task. So kinda shifted away from that.

Kanye West – Kanye’s smooth move at the Video Music Awards would have made this costume SOOOO much fun! I would just be an asshole all night long! I would jump in front of people as they were taking pics and just say “Imma let you finish taking your pic, but I just wanted to say that Beyonce has the best camera ever!” or something to that degree. But I didn’t want to paint myself “black” nor did I want to shave my hair off and add in those crazy swirls or designs he had on his head. So had to pass on this… OMG, but it would have been soo fun!!!

So anywayz, I instead did something that turned out pretty cool… this year, I dressed up as the old man from the Disney / Pixar movie: “UP”

Here I am with two vajayjays….

It was really fun, and I only ran into one other person who did the same thing! I wish I could have had more friends who would have dressed up as the talking dog and the bird in the movie… lol

But yeah, other than the thick coat, bow tie and wig being REALLY hot to dance / drink / party in… it was a lot of fun!

I also highly recommend watching this movie if you haven’t already!

Can’t wait for my next costume party!!!!

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Halloween Costumes Blast from the Past

Monday, October 18, 2010 / Vince Golangco

I love Halloween! I’d have to say that it’s the ONLY holiday that I truly live up and follow through with all its customs and traditions.

And no, it’s not just about getting into the stupidest costumes for men and the sluttiest costumes for women. It’s the entire process that goes on long before the ghouls and ghosts come out on Oct 31st.

See, the real Halloween starts weeks, even months before the actual day. It starts the second you realize that the day is slowly arriving and you start brainstorming for your costume. This task alone may take an eternity to overcome….

The next step, whether or not you’ve decided on an outfit, is to actually go out and get your needed clothing and accessories. Some go out specifically in search of an exact costume or materials they need, while the undecided go out for inspiration and help. Either way, this part is one of my favorites as I go out with friends to try on wigs, hats, teeth, corsets and more!

Your Halloween shopping could take you from Party City, to the Halloween store that just opened last week, and even to thrift stores or Goodwill stores to get your supplies. Slowly but surely, a true Halloween practitioner gets together their entire outfit and then tells all his / her friends about it.

Hopefully, you’ve gotten all the accessories that you need, if not, last minute shopping during Halloween is just as bad as last minute Christmas shopping. So good luck finding those claws or that skirt you need on the last day… I highly recommend getting everything ready waaaaay before the day.

After it’s all said and done, you simply wait for the day… go out to the pre-party…. then continue on with the “slutpocalypse” of a drunken shitfest that we call… HALLOWEEN!!!

Anywayz, here’s some costumes I’ve had in the past… will post a summary and pics from this year’s Halloween when I’m sober enough to type again…

(written last year, 2009)

Dressed as a Chinese Pimp selling my European Hookers

“Who you daddy?!”

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E.R.

Someone give him the damn scalpel!

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Lil Jon

YEEEEAAAHHHHH!

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Studio 54

Complete with afro and chest hair!

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This was really just me being myself…

Geekin’ it out!

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At my going away party aptly titled:

“CEOs, Office Hoes& Mr. Golangco’s”

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At a masquerade…

But using some snorkeling goggles as my mask.

Oh and I taped a funnel to the snorkle to turn it into a beer bong!

You say idiotic… I say creative.

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Army soldier with his GUN!

(kisses biceps while typing)

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Cop and robber.

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I’m a balla…

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School is now in session!

Geek again with my sexy classmate.

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Old man, Carl, from the movie UP

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It’s a dick in a box!

From the SNL skit titled “Dick in a Box”

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Halloween Costumes Blast from the Past

BEST Halloween Pet Costumes: Funny Animal Costume Ideas for Dogs and Cats

Saturday, October 16, 2010 / Vince Golangco

OK OK so if you’re one of those “kinds of people” who dresses up your pets for Halloween or if you’re one of those “kinds of people” who puts quotation marks on random words without really “needing to,” then this post may be for you!

Halloween is fast approaching and getting those sexy and slutty costumes for yourself, people are also looking to get funny and cute costumes for their pets this Halloween.

I mean would it really be Halloween without Bat Dog costume or Barbie Cat costume? I think not!

So here are the top pet costumes and the best Halloween pet costume ideas for your cats and dogs.

Happy Pet Halloween to your dog and cat!

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BEST Halloween Pet Costumes: Funny Animal Costume Ideas for Dogs and Cats

Unique Halloween Costumes for Pets

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16 Things You Didn’t Know About Sleep

Saturday, October 16, 2010 / Vince Golangco

We spend our lives mostly doing all sorts of things that we study for, practice and fully understand. The funny thing is that we’ve never put in the time to truly comprehend the one thing we all do the most: SLEEPING!

We spend so much time sleeping in our beds, sleeping in class and sleeping with our neighbor’s wife that it’s only fair that we also spend a proportionate amount of time understanding what happens when we sleep. Why do we sleep? What goes on while we sleep? Who did you sleep with last night and why in the world do we need to spend time sleeping?

Check out the interesting info below about sleep. I swear whoever invented sleep did not work a 9-5 job with overtime!

16 Things You Didn’t Know About SLEEP

16 Things You Didn’t Know About Sleep

Chilean Miners Rescue Operations Time Magazine Photo of the Year

Friday, October 15, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Here’s the most accurate and most heartwarming photo from the recent Chilean Miners rescue operations.

As you can clearly see, rescue worker Mario was able to save all 33 miners with the help of Luigi. The miners’ families and Princess Toadstool waited for them at the top of Camp Hope with the Chilean President.

Chilean Miners Rescue Operations Time Magazine Photo of the Year

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International Talk Like A Pirate Day 2010: Facebook Pirate Language, Sexy Pirates n Hot Booty

Monday, September 20, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Arrrrrr me matees!!!! I be celebratin’ here ye International Talk Like A Pirate Day 2010 arrrrrr!!!

To ye be celebratin ye Pirate Day, here be ye hottest pirate booty we could find!

Also, ye can switch yer bloody Facebook account language to ye “Pirate”

It be the funniest booty ye can find this side of the bloody ocean!

Weigh anchor into facebook, check yer bottle o’ messages, and check which o’ yer mateys arrrr aboard. Facebook has a hidden feature that allows you to change your language to Pirate that can be quite fun for a buccaneer.

1. Log into Facebook, if you’re not already.

2. Scroll to the bottom of the home page.

3. Find the language settings. It’s in a bar, to the left, next to the copyright information.

4. Select “English (Pirate).”

5. Skewer yer scallywag mateys!

So yeah, enjoy that Facebook Talk Like a Pirate Language. It’s really one of the funniest things EVER! Though it does get old after a bit so just change your Facebook Pirate English Language right back to regular English.

Anywayz, it’s not a real International Talk Like A Pirate Day without hot pirates, sexy pirates and all those other skimpy outfit wearing pirate booty!!! So here you go! Happy International Pirates Day 2010!

International Talk Like A Pirate Day 2010: Facebook Pirate Language, Sexy Pirates n Hot Boot

Oh…. but be careful and keep a lookout for Butt Pirates!!! You don’t want to mess with that kind of pirates….

International Talk Like A Pirate Day 2010: Sexy Pirates Hot Booty and Facebook Pirate Language

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BIG Google Announcement = Google Instant Search… FAIL

Thursday, September 9, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Google sent the whole world in a frenzy as they started a countdown to some (according to them) BIG news!

Taking it’s cue from Apple, Google tried to pull off some Apple type magic with the unveiling of new changes at Google which everyone thought would be revolutionary! We all all hoping for a defining moment in history!

So what did Google unveil? What was the big Google Announcement?

Let me present to you… GOOGLE INSTANT!

It’s Google searches that suggests what you may be searching for at the type of every letter…

No….. that’s not a joke…. that’s really the big announcement from Google…

Yes I know it’s LAME as your grandma… but in all fairness…. some of Apple’s announcements are pretty lame too. The only reason they SEEM so cool is because Steve Jobs is onehellova speaker and promoter!

Steve Jobs could say that he likes cats and people would think that it’s the most revolutionary event in mankind’s history!

So lesson to Google…. get a Steve Jobs before you make us wait for a big Google Announcement then let us down with Google Instant Search which = FAIL which = LAME.

Google Announcement = Google Instant Search… FAIL

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Twangsta (Twitter Gangsta) Wars! Fabolous Twitter vs Soulja Boy Twitter

Wednesday, September 8, 2010 / Vince Golangco

Of all the things Twitter has proven to be, the one thing I never expected was for Twitter to be the grounds for gang wars between celebrity Hip Hop artists / rappers. Really… WTF?!?!?!

Battling it out via Twitter, Twantsta Fabolous went on to Twit-mock Soulja Boy for being an alleged cocaine drug addict.

“Jus finished my 3rd photo shoot of the day. Now that I’m finished I can finally pay some attention to a 19yr old cokehead named @SouljaBoy,” Fab tweeted.

“Let’s hav some fun.. New #TT #SouljasCokeHabit”

“#ParisHiltonsCokeHabit ain’t got sh*t on #SouljasCokeHabit..”

“#SouljasCokeHabit had him wearing a chain made outta rubberbands when he 1st came out. Now he upgraded to a bunch of #BrianPumperJewels.”

“@SouljaBoy’s biggest hits weren’t on his albums.. They were on his dresser in a hotel room wit Kat Stacks. Thank#SouljasCokeHabit”

“#SouljasCokeHabit made him talk sh*t about me on twitter. Then he sobered up, and deleted the tweets#TypicalCokeHeadSh*t”

“Let me find out,#SouljasCokeHabit got him Amy Wine’d out.. Got em hooked like he threw a fishing line out..” (Fabolous’ Twitter)

Soulja Boy initially tweeted these Tweet-taunts toward Fabolous and eventually caught Fabolous’ attention.

“he better stfu before i send my young n*gga Lil B to murder his a** lyrically,” Soulja Boy tweeted early Tuesday (September 7) morning.

“I wish that fab would quit copying my swag d*mn he a nut rider i swear man.”

“I will murder that n*gga fab in a freestyle battle he garbage compared to soulja boy.”

Then just when you thought it couldn’t get any more “Twangster” (Twitter Gangster) than that… 50 Cent decides to throw his guns in the pool! 50 Cent backed up Soulja Boy on this Twitter gang war:

“I told you n*ggas a long time ago soulja boy my little n*gga yal better leave him the f*ck alone for somebody get hurt.”

“For the last time I’m telling you niaggs leave my n*gga alone. hollow tips a make you spit more then a hot 16”

“I get all you n*ggas killed f*ck that. I dear you n*ggas touch him. Soulja say what ever you wantN*ggas aint gone do sh*t.” (50 Cent’s Twitter)

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Oh man! These Twangstas are crazy mofos Fo Shizzle! Imagine if Tupac and Biggy had Twitter accounts back in the day….

Tupac Twitter:

Hellz nah! I know this nizzle @BiggySmalls didn’t just retwizzle my sh*z without givin me a shout! Punk a$$ biatch! #wcoastlove

Biggy Twitter:

@tupac U be trippin! I fo’ sho aint gone’ put no hash tag on yo twizzle ass when you be a lame a$$ west coast Twangsta! Sheeeeeet. #esiderep

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Imma cap you a$$… and my tweets, the next time yo a$$ be disrestweetin! fo twizzle yo! #esiderep

They may probably still be alive if Twitter was around back then….

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A Call for Stephen Colbert Restoring Truthiness Rally

Wednesday, September 8, 2010 / Vince Golangco

In response to the “million moron march,” also known as the Glenn Beck Restoring Honor Rally, the internet has called for a “Restoring Truthiness Rally!”

The website the Daily Transom writes:

As a response to Glenn Beck’s recent “Restoring Honor” something-or-other held in Washington on August 28, a call has gone out to Comedy Central’s leading exponent of all things truthy, Stephen Colbert, to hold a rally of his own. Colbert’s show is in reruns at the moment, so he can’t readily respond to ColbertRally.com, which states the following about why it was created:

Why: America, we are at a crossroad. Truthiness in this nation is at an all-time low since the inception of the concept was founded by the great American, Stephen Colbert. In its rich history over the past five years, Truthiness has become synonymous with American values such as freedom, honor, and Taco Bell. Recently our nation has suffered a truthiness drain. In fact, untruthiness is as common as measles vaccinations that cause cancer. We as a nation have stopped relying on our emotions and gut. We need to get back to what makes this nation great. Act on impulse not fact. Stop wasting time analyzing and just take what people say on face value. Why think when someone else can think for you. It’s superficial. It’s quick. It’s American. Restore Truthiness now!

The owners of the website did not immediately respond to an email request for comment. UPDATE!“Restorer of Truthiness” responded to our questions quickly enough to merit an update. Three people make up the team behind the idea, and according to the “Restorer” the point of “Stephen Colbert, colbertrally.com, and the idea of a Restore Truthiness Rally is that you cannot take politics so seriously.” The email continued:

Do we honestly want Colbert to hold a rally? Definitely. Is this some left-wing agenda driven response to Glenn Beck’s rally? No, but we do want to make a parody of it, and who better to do it then Stephen Colbert. Our goal is to stir people up to be a part of a fun light-hearted movement to NOT take politics too seriously, and have a few good laughs along the way.

The “Restorer” ended the email message by stating that if Stephen Colbert issues a response to the effort, ‘they’ will “pee our pants. Then, we will proceed to work with him to hopefully coordinate an event.”

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