This was a post by a very good friend of mine a few years back. Just thought it was hella funny and really well written. So I wanted to share it with you guys in case you want to check it out.
***Warning, do not read if you have heart problems, are pregnant or are overly sensitive… =P
Christmas is a religious holiday. I have no desire to celebrate anything remotely related to support it. Growing up, I was never taught to believe in any fairytale or imaginative figures. Thus the thought of an overweight old man dressed in red flannel, shouts derogatory terms across the sky about women and distributes toys to undeserving little brats does not arouse me in any shape or form.
Nevertheless, being the accommodating person that I am, I concede and cooperate with the traditions instead of telling my true feelings to people’s faces. That’s the essence of being civil. If someone has the nerve to tell me that Chinese New Year is a meaningless holiday that promotes nothing but commercialism and compulsive spending, I will slap that bitch so hard there will be no tomorrow.
The funny thing is, I just spent the evening watching two things I can’t stand the most: fireworks and Christmas decorations.
The only description I got from my friend Ricky about this event was “there will be these sail boats with cool lights at Shelter Island.” I thought it would be a relaxing way to wrap up my Sunday, which I spent compulsively rearranging living room furniture.
“Yes!! We arrived just in time for the fireworks” was the first thing that came out of his mouth when we pulled up.
Fireworks? I hate fireworks. It is the ultimate ancient Chinese invention that is used for useless ephemeral human enjoyment at the expense of our dying planet. The only time one is ever justified to use fireworks is when you’re surrounded by hungry mountain lions while wearing underwear made out of beef jerky, and you cannot possibly attract any help by screaming “fire!”
The best part about the night was that the “lights on the sail boats” were actually “illuminated Christmas decorations”. Jingles were blasted so loudly they still resonate in my ears…after 7 hours.
Every boat pretty much looked the same. Why couldn’t people just be a little more creative. If I had a boat there I would have decorated it with the devil riding with Santa, or a giant hiny.
Ricky did not notice how painful it was for me to watch. I squirmed so much on my riverbank rock I was pretty sure I drilled a hole into it.
Ahh…I’m such a good friend…