An open letter to “Mr/Ms. I-don’t-have-a-Facebook-account” person

It’s come to this. The world as we know it is now but a tiny piece of the bigger picture. This new reality I speak of is the place most of us refer to as the “Facebook” universe.

See, to most of the world, you don’t really exist unless you have a Facebook account. I realized this recently as I, in a very horrifying event, met someone without a Facebook profile. It was such a frightening experience that really came out of nowhere! One second I’m talking to this cute girl, next thing you know, she drops a bomb on me!

“I don’t have a Facebook account,” she casually squealed as if flying-vampire-zombie-pigs were no more than a common household pet.

Not having a Facebook profile means that you have no pictures I can rummage through. It means you don’t have a status to update me with your everyday mundane events. It means that you don’t have a wall I can write on every time I want to bother you with my important Farmville needs. Most of all, it means that I can’t add you as one of my “friends.”

This, of course, is a big problem. How are we supposed to officially fortify our friendship into the pages of history without that little button you click to properly “accept” and acknowledge our friendship? It’s absolutely capricious to assume that we are indeed friends, or even mere acquaintances, without as much as a “poke” or a photo tag of some useless item you’re selling every other week.

Let’s face it; you don’t exist if you’re not on Facebook!

There’s no way to prove that you actually went skydiving if I don’t see any pictures. You don’t really have a boyfriend / girlfriend unless you change your relationship status and make it “Facebook official.” I’ll also have no clue when your birthday is or if you were ever really born unless Facebook tells me that indeed, today is your birthday and I need to pay $1.00 to get you some silly little “gift” to post on your wall.

How do you even expect us to stay in touch? MySpace? You’re so 2000-and-late.

There’s just no way to prove that you’re indeed a real person without you having a Facebook account.

So I’m sorry to say, but I can’t trust anyone who’s not on Facebook! Not having a Facebook account put you on the same lowly level as people who still use their Hotmail email addresses. For heaven’s sake, have some dignity!

So “Miss I-don’t-have-a-Facebook-account” person, do us all a big favor and at least try live in the same century as us.

Facebook is here and it’s here to stay. You’re either part of the hundreds of millions who are on it or you’ll be left out as one of the few slow adapters. Haven’t we learned from Darwin that you need to adapt to survive?

It’s like the saying: “If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, did it really fall?” Well, if a person doesn’t have a Facebook account, are they really a real person?

And that was the Gospel according to the Book of Face.

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